lately i believe that pretty much everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so that you can learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

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leaves have such a beautiful way of falling this time of year, such grace. If anything is ever so graceful please let there grace lead to my life. I love fall, it shows for those whom are slowly forgetting that beauty i this world, atleast in nature still exist. I think, the single most beautiful thing about mother nature creations is that they cant control nor buy their limit on beauty. they are natural and posses such a real-ness to/about them.  they are not envious nor selfish - just pure with pure beauty. what a beautiful existence. i feel like a tiny blob in this scenery painting, enjoying but yet being a slight figment of this masterpiece. I look to my left and there are apple-trees starting to bloom - soon they'll be ready to be picked. they have no choice in the matter of being chosen, they don't look nor have expectations. when i look straight forward i see yellow, orange and different shades of green. so many colors. no segregation - nothing but love and beauty...all in one. trees and leaves, mother nature at her finest. when i look benhind me i can feel the cold air from the moutains flowing down my way. i love the feeling when i get the wind blowing against my face and the only thing i can smell is pinetrees, reminding me of better days. childhood memories. I love the way i feel when something inspires me. I'm sure thats nothing compared to how they feel when the warm sun hits them on a chilly day, when their leaves turn colors without control nor hesitation. i love the way i feel when i see something truly beautiful. every year, every leave, every tree, they never fail to us alive inside. wonderful.

i can't stop smiling.

Sad human beings with our sad hopeless dreams? Sad little people with our sad memories? Is it safe to say it is sad to give, when the world takes, breaks, fakes any chance to live? Is it safe to say it is sad to forgive? When this world will not forgive you, only beat you, toss you, and forget you. Think about our sad pitiful children with their sad imaginations. Think about how they will believe, dream, and play. Think about how you were like them, wishing you could be something someday. The cruel world ripped your dreams in two, broke your heart in two, and held your hand just to watch you fall, fall down, and down, and down again. Is there any hope for the hopeless with fleeting dreams and fleeting beings? Is there a chance all these hurtful things, are just bad dreams? Because is it really sad to live life with joy? Looking arrogant and naive to the passerby's that point and speak. They speak loudly of how foolish a person can be, living life in love, and loving it actually? Is it sad to forget the world is not a stage for us to act upon, to draw attention from a crowd of actors, actresses, and one giant masquerade? Is it sad to find the humble parts of life the parts worth living for? When gaining is losing, because it's not ours, we find, it's for something more. No, no.... no, I do not think it is sad to live, to love, and to give. Maybe even forgive? Yes, better even to forgive. To remember your dreams, your baseball ballerina bare skin bruised knees from climbing giant trees constant wondering from all the books you read (or want to read) dreams. It is not sad, to remember fond memories, or make sweet, happy new ones. I don't think it's sad to remember that it is ok to still dream, even when life gets hard, hurtful, and... sad. When all has gone wrong, all is not right, all is falling, down, and down, and down... every single night. When your head hits the pillow, you just want to cry and cry and cry and hope that the hurtful sad world just passes you by. But you will fall asleep, begin to dream, and wake, oh yes, wake to a beautiful beaming brilliant sun reminding you that today, yes today, is a new one... a new day. So we can hope, be thankful and say we're thankful, but just remember, be thankful. You get to dream again, make bigger ones, plan better ones, eat the fruits of happening ones. You are alive, you are breathing, how can we, as humans be sad if we're believing, believing that our childhood dreams led us to our tangible adult dreams that continue to show that joy is just around the corner if we so can just wait a moment, we're getting closer, we're getting warmer... so close now I can taste it, so close I'll embrace it! This overwhelming joy in the midst of this sad sad world with its sad sad days of trials and sad songs we sing and play along and pain that just can't seem to have all of it's grip on me, because I have a hope that's bear huggin' me. I'm in love with this, words, my family, I am given love by them, I have love for my friends and they have love for me, and I'm falling in love, with a boy who has yet to come to be, at least not illuminated to me. Is it sad? Sad to have faith, to have hope, to have love, passions, and dreams? No, it's the fear that floats above every human, that is the saddest thing. But fear is not you, fear is not me, fear is just a thing, a sad sad thing, that isn't everlasting, that isn't bound to the living.

unprepared for what this life has in store, i'm not fearful nor sad..

i'm ready

with no expectations or intentions
love.

everyday some one i talk to from back in my homeland or someone far far away asks me if i've met someone lucky or if i have my heart set on anyone in paticular and for some reason that really rubs me the wrong way. i'm not sure if its because i'm in denial (how typical) or if its because i'm alone. do i really need to fullfill this experience with finding someone to share it with? someone to walk beside, a partner? is happiness truely not real until it is shared with another human being? i'm not alone, i'm never alone. here nor there - anywhere. i have friends and family that appreciate love to the fullest - that appreciate our relationship to the fullest..the kind of full glass that doesn't need to be seen nor touched to know its there, to feel it, to know its real. now how could that not breathe true happiness?  i feel like i need to be discovered, i want to be the island that your ship lands on. i have no john smith in my life, or maybe i do and i'm oblivious. maybe i am my own john smith. well a-fucking-hoy - throw me a line captain. i'm a good swimmer but i can't tread forever.

i think i'm moving, but i go no where... i know that everyone gets scared.

i'm not sad, no..not sad at all. but i walk around all day and have this empty feeling in my stomach, is it because my stomach is connected to my heart and my heart is empty? something is always missing, the grass is never greener and its never going to get easier. its like trying to fill a hole that fits but not just right. its like working as hard as you can just to get by but never to get bigger and better. exceeding the limits. i'm ready to exceed the limits. i'm not growing in size only shrinking as time passes- i'd hate to say the same for my ability to grow and learn and love and live. my ability to obtain knowledge and use it wisley, whole-heartidly. .

i put myself in these situations where i get really sad for days. i dont want to blink, or move or think or speak.  i think way too much and way too fast. i even studder in my mind, st-st-studdering stanly. its like driving way too fast on a slippery road and completely loosing control of a car, my mind flips and flips and crash and burn and.....just burns. sometimes i truely think i am crazy! that word makes my want to punch babies. does anyone ever feel like i feel? or is there something wrong with my mind and my emotions. CONTROL. i'm going to start doing yoga so i can learn any type of control, breathing is even good enough for now. wu-sah? wu-saw? wu-sa? 12345678910. no paper bags needed. i need to relax.

i miss home, i don't know how to deal with being so far away that nothing could bring me closer to you, not even your voice. which i hardly get to hear as it is. i can't call anyone and tell them i want to see them and hang out, or i miss them and i'll be there soon. nothing, not even a whisper of distance. if its not something its another thing. its too late, or i'm too busy, or having a UFC champion kick boxing match with my internet. hahahaha, undefeated wireless bastard.

 i just laughed, that felt nice. i think i'll end this on a smile. (someone wise oncetold me- 'smile, its contagious')

i'm smiling, so you smile.
i'll write soon, with happy thoughts.

with no expecations and no intentions.
love to the fullest.

i haven't been on in forever because i haven't found time to get online. i finally got a mailbox so i am going to start the hand writing letters, you can always find time to write a note here and there. unlike internet in germany. YES round three - its still kicking my ass.  

i really can't stand not being free. not being able to do whatever i want, when i want. not being able to just pick up and leave, because i was never really leaving anything behind then. i can't stand waking up at 4 in the morning to ride a bus 15 minutes to sit in a class room with a bunch of people who in 4 years i wont see. although, it is nice when you have nice things to look at. you know those dumb school girl crushs' (if thats what they're even called) that everoyne has had on their teachers, professors, supervisors, blah blah well this...is nothing like that. its safe to say hes a cute man but in the most cocky way and for some reason it makes me want to punch him. he knows hes good looking, and maybe thats just a part of his plan to win over the ladies. (of course, this is nothing serious -- he's not old, but is experienced) wow, i'm reading way too into this. i just wanted to say it outloud (for the lack of a better statement) that he's attractive because i think i would probably get myself in a bit of a pickle if i said it anywhere else but here. har har.

that was all pretty pointless. but if you're wondering the sites i've seen in germany so far -- theres one for ya! i am going to a wine festival this weekend  - i'll write when that is in the works.

love

 I finally found a permantment solution for a tempory problem, no no..not suicide. Microsoft 2008! I will just have to type on microsoft and save my journal until i can become smarter than my computer and work the internet. I've come to the realization that the internet in germany is my own personal jekel (minus the funny part) one minute it tells me that i can connect to free public wifi and as soon as i try to connect, stoked as usual -- it sikes me out and decides it doesnt want to let me. blah! 

on a ligher note, 

tape decks, cds, dvds, books, pictures...german. Ive been trying to learn german -- on my own of course. I read all the signs when i drive by or walk by any and say them in my head and giggle. I can only imagine what someone would think if i said them outloud..hm, one day. so far, the past 3 days i have learned how to say ashtray, goodbye and hello. Thats a start, right? I went to a bar/resturant two days ago, thats why i was unable to update yesterday - i was completely exhausted and decided to catch up with my sleep who always seems to out run me. I am getting faster. I met alot of people that night, alot of girls, alot of boys and alot of in-betweens. For some reason, it seems to be safe to say that germans( some ) aren't too fond of americans. Hmph, I wonder why. We come to their country, cocky -- drinking all their beer and eating all their bread and exploding. Who would want to make friends with a person who explodes anyways? Part of me wants to say 'I don't blame them' but then part of me wants to lie, i am an american and i want to be friends.

On my bus ride to ramstein yesterday i was thinking about a few things;

1) What if our lives were like an etch a sketch?
2) Why is everything in germany so freaking cute?
3) Everyone drives such nice cars too fast and too aggresivly. (even bus drivers) 
4) I dont feel one inch of regret for ever having road rage, if thats even what it could be labeled here.

Yes, that is a few things to me. the whole 15 minute bus ride I kept switching back and forth. I think if anyone was watching my mind they'd have a heart attack in under 4.3 minutes -- or just get really dizzy. Im that annoying thinker, tv watcher -- the one that always switches channels because im never satisfied with watching or thinking one thing. oh well, get out of my mind--its mine! i'm just now learing how to use it (without a users manual) i can only imagine what someone else would be like trying to control it or even learn it!  

REWIND!

I was wondering what if someone had control of how our lives were suppose to pan out? God? You? Me? Them? Goverment? Anything you think has higher control over your life. Except this time...it was in a plastic 2'2 sandbox of fun. We'd have our own lives to walk out but if we went out of line or made one too thick or too thin or crooked or not the way they invisioned, they could shake us and erase us and start us all over again. Would that be art? Speaking of art, my sweet-mate is singing in the shower, some of us were just made for better things.

Tonight should be interesting, I plan on going to k-town for the night. I would elaborate on k-town but im not too sure how to even spell it more or less say it. Its suppose to be the hot spot for fun, or atleast thats what i was told by this kind german boy i met 2 nights ago. ''hot spot'' huh? that should be nice, it seems to get chilly around these parst of town. I'm slowly but surely learning how to balance out my drinking skills and to think i dare call them 'skills' -- these people here..drinking is a gene. a lifestyle, a culture, a habit, an addiction? anything that describes the amount of alcohol they can intake and hold down would be an understatement i'm sure. Damn germans.

I will write again when i have more interesting things to spill out, i'm kind of cramped right now. I have so much going on in my mind its hard to pick a topic and write about it -- its even harder for me to pick a topic and think about it. im going to force myself to have fun tonight, im in a beautiful place with beautiful people there is no reason i should be anything but  absolutely satisfied. however; i do miss my family and my friends back in the states, it seems like i never realize how much i miss home until i'm in a different place. I have so many things i feel like i haven't said to people and unfinished buisness. good thing i haven't died, i would hate to be a ghost for years? Ghosts--those are the souls with unfinished buisness right? I need to kick up the speed on this tredmil of life if thats the case - i'd hate to leave anything unfinished behind. Har har har.

I will write soon.

with no expectations or intentions,

love.

i've never been much for traveling, i'd like to think my mind and heart were made for bigger and better things but most of the time it seems like my body can't handle it. you know when you feel that hunger, the kind where your eyes are bigger than your stomach and you never what to finish what you started.well, thats how i feel about my life at this moment.

if my stomach had to be a shoe it would snatch flip flops, hands down. i've never been so anxious or scared about anything in my life. i've decided flying across country alone is the quickest way to heart failure, especially when you are in a forgein country and the only thing you understand is the words you spit out and write and the safest way to feel safe is feel nothing and think nothing. i'm such a baby.

my first flight into dallas connecting to frankfurt got delayed 5 hours which meant that i would miss my connecting flight and would have to stay over night in dallas by myself. negative. i decided to switch flights to chicago with hopes that there would be a chance of having a connecting flight to germany. sometimes i'm lucky. the lady at the counter was very helpful, and by helpful i mean helpfucked. she forgot to change over my luggage to my new flight so as soon as i landed into frankfurt i stood at the baggage claim for about an hour until i realized that maybe when the machine stopped shooting out luggage and stopped moving that meant there was no more luggage to be claimed. ha, figures - right? about 2 hours after landing i had finally found an exchange for my currency and a shuttle i could take to volgeweh for 45 euros - bad idea. when you hear that germany has no speed limits, no driving limits or even no limits at all - - believe it. i realized at that moment i'd probably never stop foot/body/limb etc. behind a vehcile in germany for the entirty of my stay. i might be crazy, but i would never shit in my own back yard. 

the 2 days i've been here, i've walked all around the city. i've seen castles and i've seen shacks. everything is so old here, and the funny/astouding thing is that they actually take pride in their culture (past and present) all the buildings that are over 100 years old and are still beautiful. i'm sure even if they were run-down the time of the building itself would still hold beauty, but its different...just, different. i've had the pleasure of drinking a german beer called 'britburger' i highly recommend it. its strong yet so smooth. smooth operator. tonight a few people i had met in ramstein are going to a pub that sells a euro a beer. i hope to get tons of bread and drink beer and explode. BOOM! 

its safe to say that there is potentional in my life here, i love where i am as of now and i love where i'm going even if that only consists of myself and my journals. internet, live, myspace, paper. writing sooths my soul. 

with no expectations or intentions, i will write soon.

i miss home. 
i miss you.

-virginia